What The Hell Is Happening Here?

I worked with a girl at a group home for adults with disabilities. We were both caregivers by job title, but I think one of us was just there simply for the food, free cable, and the check. We talked a lot as you do when you work 8 hours together every day with lots of free time in between taking care of clients. As the conversations start flowing and we get to know each other better, she got more comfortable telling me some pretty wild shit about herself. You all might think this turns into a modern day “we fucked” story but you all would be dead wrong.

This girl broke it down to me about how men hit her up all the time on social media and want to talk to her. All types of creatures (men) too. Young guys, middle aged dudes, old men. Really old men sometimes (80+). Pretty standard for a pretty girl in her twenties, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it. She gave me the whole story of “I never did this before but eventually I got curious and replied to one of these men.” Not just any guy or one of the younger guys but a guy in his early 70’s. How old was this girl I worked with who was doing this? 20 turning 21. A hell of an age gap. Usually, I reserve judgement if it doesn’t affect me. But, judging off her attitude and who she presented herself as (high class, too good for that), I judged. Of course, I was curious and wanted to know more though.

So, I played into this whole situation, and she started spilling. She talked about how he met her once or twice a month, in a luxury hotel in downtown Pittsburgh, and they fucked around. What does fucking around mean? Especially with a guy who is almost seventy. Well, it meant he took her out to dinner somewhere, they went back to his hotel, he laid on the bed, and she sucked his dick with a condom on for 5 minutes or less and he cummed… or whatever the fuck comes out when you are in your seventies. Occasionally, she rode him but it only lasted 2 minutes or less until he cummed. She said half the time he couldn’t get hard enough to fuck and that his dick was curved, wrinkly, and had a weird smell to it sometimes. To me, that sounds like a lingering and live STD if I have ever heard of one. At least she respected herself enough to make him wear a condom right? Every time they met up, she got money from him after, and she left. On top of that, she claims he would spoil her with gifts when they met up but who knows? He might have. He might have not. The problem I had with it all was when you portray yourself as one thing outwardly to people who are your age or your peers but behind the scenes you are sucking a significantly older man’s dick for a couple minutes (with a condom on) and the only purpose of it all is to get spoiled and get money out of it, it’s hard to believe and trust what someone says in general. That being said, I felt like she was more honest with me, a stranger outside of work, than she was with her girls, friends, and other people in her life.

Living your life on your own terms is one thing. Owning the things you do and why you do them is another thing. She seemed very ashamed about how she lived that part of her life though. She seemed ashamed enough that she claimed barely any of her friends knew. Enough that she “threatened” me into silence (until this blog… and when I told many other people too because it was just too funny not to tell) over and over again. By threatened, I mean “You better not tell nobody or I’ll come after you” so nothing I haven’t heard before. Anyways, my point is that I can respect you if you own what you do. I can respect you if do whatever you do with whoever you do it with for whatever reason you do it for. The problem is she was embarrassed about it on one hand but trying to rationalize it on the other as she told me about it. She was trying to downplay it and write it off as nothing instead of owning it no matter how fucked up it was. You could see the respect for herself just wasn’t there. And that was the problem. Why didn’t I tell her to respect herself? It wasn’t my place to tell her something that she didn’t care to hear.

Remember that I told you how I thought she was a liar? Days later, it was still on her mind. She says, “Remember that old man I told you I get money from?” I said “Yes, what about the old fuck?” “Soooooo, I fucked him raw before and if I fuck him raw, I get double the money that I would if I make him wear a rubber.” Holy shit, twice the money? You fucked him raw though? These questions, other questions, and other thoughts raced through my mind and almost out of my mouth. Now, twice the money for 2 minutes or less is enticing. Very enticing, easy, and quick. I get that. But fucking a raw dick that has probably been in more than a fair share of women over seventy something years and has a “smell to it sometimes” is risky. It makes you question the decision-making skills of the person fucking or sucking that dick. It makes you question a lot about the person telling you this in general.

Own your shit if you are going to do some shit. Respect yourself enough to own your shit for what it is. If you don’t respect yourself because of what you are doing in your life, do better. Do better for yourself if you don’t like the things (or people) you are doing or involved in (or with). That’s better than being embarrassed or ashamed about the way you live your life. Especially in your 20’s, you should have no shame about how you are living your life. You shouldn’t be ashamed and embarrassed at all because it’s your life and you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as it’s actually doing something for you in some way. What it is doing for you is not my business. Live your life to the fullest and embrace your shit, whether it’s good or bad. It’s your shit and if you own it, you don’t have to hide, be ashamed, or try to bury it. You don’t have to waste time trying to rationalize or defend it to yourself and others. It’s easier to live life with a peace of mind than living a lie.