Editor's Note: This story came in as a confession originally. While the original confession was only a couple sentences long, I had a feeling that she was just scratching the surface. So, I asked her to dig deeper and get this shit off her chest. Anxiety is real. It's alive and well. Like depression or grief, I think anxiety affects almost everybody at some point or another in their life. I wrote off my own anxiety as "nerves" for years. Going into an uncomfortable situation? Nerves. That "thing" that's not for two months but has me up at night worrying and feeling restless? Nerves. Letting my worrying get to the point where I couldn't sleep and always felt on edge about shit? Nerves.
It was not until somebody else talked about it, told me that they went through the same things, and that it was all anxiety. Only then did I realize that was exactly what the fuck it was. After that, I was able to understand myself a little bit better. Here's the thing: I am still learning how to deal with anxiety in ways that do not keep me up at night worrying. In ways that do not cause me to self sabatoge. In ways that are not dismissive. Or self destructive. As you read this, I'm sure many of you can relate. Remember, we are constant works in progress who are just doing the best we can. -B
I considered being mentally unstable a joke until I experienced it myself. I believed that mental illness was an excuse made by people who were too weak to face their reality. I thought that people were cowards who did not have the guts to face life.
Right now, this is me, facing my mental health issues and anxiety attacks from the past few months. Reasons that are still not completely known to me. I am making no excuses. I am not running away from reality nor am I a coward. Seriously.
Sometimes, I feel like I am wasting this life of mine. Maybe I am. People who have faced issues like these know how to deal with it better I'm sure. I don’t want a million dollars in my bank account, that would be nice though. Nor do I want to own everything and anything I've ever wanted. I just want a break from my own thoughts. A little bit of happiness from life.
When anxiety attacks showed up, I thought it would go away with time. But no, they never fade away. If not treated, it just grows with time and eats you up slowly & gradually.
You are never the same person. You don’t get excited for your favorite TV show or movie. You don’t act crazy and get butterflies when that guy you like sends you a goodmorning text or likes/comments on your pictures. Dammit, you don’t even feel that joy when something good happens. Nothing excites you anymore. You just become a living dead body.
The worst part is that you can’t be vocal about it. Society as a whole is too far behind to understand that mental illness is as serious as physical illness. Once people discover that you are mentally unstable, they look down on you like you have committed some crime.
If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or feeling like your life is complete shit as the result of the things you have been through, please visit www.doogotouy.com/resources to start dealing with it all. You deserve it.